I'm a different kind of hungry

I've been harassed by the diehard readers to post again soon, but I haven't found words worthy of being read, words worthy of escaping the grinding warehouse of my imagination. They're not yet complete. I've actually had time to think lately and comply with translating these messages, to really roll over certain ideas and see what's underneath them, but then there's a disinclination to summarize by way of getting it out of my mouth.

So CS.Lewis says, "God seems to do nothing of himself which he can possibly delegate to his creatures. He commands to do slowly and blunderingly what he can do perfectly and in the twinkling of an eye."

I'm at that point again. Here. Alone. Loving it. Slightly awkward. Eternally grateful. Time to bask in a Jesus that created companionship, but ables us to worship individually. It's the point of crossing from wanting to be alone and observe and heal, to feed upon life and devour, but also to relate and converse and confide. I suppose it's a process--a timely one.

Last night drove me mad. I can appreciate sincerity. I desire truth. I can handle the realities of other people's decisions. I suppose it hurts me more to see them hurting themselves more so than for me to be excluded.

I heard on the radio tonight a concept on surrendering your entire life to Christ. And another on true happiness. Apparently, true happiness, even through Christ, is in serving others, by sharing yourself and talents and energies with someone else. I can see that. And also apparently, I don't know what it means to completely surrender myself. I mean, absolutely, in whole, holding nothing back surrendering of myself. What does that mean? How does one attain that point of relinquishing? In word, yes, I have given of myself to further the kingdom, but in heart or deed have I? Completely? And is this a mindset that is a constant? Or does is change accordingly to walking in the spirit? I don't know. The more Caleb asks questions, the analytical inquiring he does on the scientific accuracy and historical credibility of the Bible, the more inspired I am to research what I already believe. So much do I take for granted. Ever since the holy spirit became active in my life, guiding me to a real and holy change in who I am on a daily level, I have taken for granted the backgrond of the Bible and understanding the hows and the whens. I have felt like I know enough of the truth already because it's living and active in my life through prayer and daily communion, however, I want to go beyond that--not for salvation purposes--that's already set in stone, but instead for knowledge, for discipline, for wisdom to know every aspect of God and the best selling book that lies around so many people's houses without thoughtful inttervention. I want to be a light to those who haven't yet tasted his goodness. Plus, there are soooo many ideas out there I lack knowledge on. I'm attempting to brush up on the Masoretic text, the Pentateuch, the Targums, and the Septuagint.

Calling me to lay aside the worries of my day. Quiet down my busy life and find a hiding place. promise keeper. comforter. healer. provider. soon and coming king. holy. hope. forgiver. of a childlike faith, of my honest praise, of a holy life and my sacrifice, of my unashamed love. you are worthy.