I'm a different kind of hungry

I've been harassed by the diehard readers to post again soon, but I haven't found words worthy of being read, words worthy of escaping the grinding warehouse of my imagination. They're not yet complete. I've actually had time to think lately and comply with translating these messages, to really roll over certain ideas and see what's underneath them, but then there's a disinclination to summarize by way of getting it out of my mouth.

So CS.Lewis says, "God seems to do nothing of himself which he can possibly delegate to his creatures. He commands to do slowly and blunderingly what he can do perfectly and in the twinkling of an eye."

I'm at that point again. Here. Alone. Loving it. Slightly awkward. Eternally grateful. Time to bask in a Jesus that created companionship, but ables us to worship individually. It's the point of crossing from wanting to be alone and observe and heal, to feed upon life and devour, but also to relate and converse and confide. I suppose it's a process--a timely one.

Last night drove me mad. I can appreciate sincerity. I desire truth. I can handle the realities of other people's decisions. I suppose it hurts me more to see them hurting themselves more so than for me to be excluded.

I heard on the radio tonight a concept on surrendering your entire life to Christ. And another on true happiness. Apparently, true happiness, even through Christ, is in serving others, by sharing yourself and talents and energies with someone else. I can see that. And also apparently, I don't know what it means to completely surrender myself. I mean, absolutely, in whole, holding nothing back surrendering of myself. What does that mean? How does one attain that point of relinquishing? In word, yes, I have given of myself to further the kingdom, but in heart or deed have I? Completely? And is this a mindset that is a constant? Or does is change accordingly to walking in the spirit? I don't know. The more Caleb asks questions, the analytical inquiring he does on the scientific accuracy and historical credibility of the Bible, the more inspired I am to research what I already believe. So much do I take for granted. Ever since the holy spirit became active in my life, guiding me to a real and holy change in who I am on a daily level, I have taken for granted the backgrond of the Bible and understanding the hows and the whens. I have felt like I know enough of the truth already because it's living and active in my life through prayer and daily communion, however, I want to go beyond that--not for salvation purposes--that's already set in stone, but instead for knowledge, for discipline, for wisdom to know every aspect of God and the best selling book that lies around so many people's houses without thoughtful inttervention. I want to be a light to those who haven't yet tasted his goodness. Plus, there are soooo many ideas out there I lack knowledge on. I'm attempting to brush up on the Masoretic text, the Pentateuch, the Targums, and the Septuagint.

Calling me to lay aside the worries of my day. Quiet down my busy life and find a hiding place. promise keeper. comforter. healer. provider. soon and coming king. holy. hope. forgiver. of a childlike faith, of my honest praise, of a holy life and my sacrifice, of my unashamed love. you are worthy.

To Daniel

Do not be afraid, for from the 1st day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them.
-daniel 10:12

Oh My Darlin' :Ode to the Dirty South

I'll tell ya, the thing I'll miss the most from the south is the very thing I despised when I moved here. When people call me Darlin'. Not so much those you know, but always strangers...people who cannot have an accurate perception yet of my darlingness. Like my grocer, my hairstylest, notably, my mechanic.

Once I got over the awkwardness of it (Minnesotans just don't have that word in their vocabulary...it doesn't fit their nasaly accent) it started to become a word of comfort. You can be all a twitter or frustrated, confused, lost, plain pissed off and old joe-smo calls you "darlin'" and all worries subside, the sun shines again, suddenly your mechanic isn't ripping you off, and life is just plain good, especially as you naw on your hot bag of boiled peanuts. good times.

Make it stop. No, it's necessary for learning

The amalgamation of sundry ideas brings my mind to a stop. Constant consideration of perspectives from various angles has drained me this week. I cannot conclude nor dismiss these thoughts. They beseech my soul for at least a thoughtful examination.

The first part of my soul probing was initiated by the book of Acts. How Simon Peter, was originally kind of a wuss. A pansy of sorts. He had the words of leader but then would, metaphorically and literally, fall behind in step. This doesn't discount his leadership potential but it exposed his need for growth. Acts 6 shows a picture that is currently relevant. Jesus teaches he is the bread of life and those who partake of him has eternal life and how "I will raise him up on the last day." A disciple responded,"This is a difficult statement; who can listen to it?" and many of them turned and left. The Messiah, the only one without the messiah complex, was not concerned with numbers but with motive, said to the 12 will you also leave? Peter bravely responds, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You only have the words of eternal fire." Then not long afterward at the Mount of Olives Jesus is approached by Judas to be turned over for crucifixion. Peter gets presumptuously ballsy and cuts off the ear of a high priest. Which Jesus nonchalantly reattaches. ha ha. I love that part. (Look Peter, bad timing, just chill. Sir, here's your ear back. *squish*)Directly after the arrest, this prophesied yet intrusive crowd leads him to the house of the high priest. And this is where Peter was following, but following at a distance. Peter does not completely give up on Christ but he follows at a distance as not to be associated, then shortly later denies him 3 times, as Jesus told Peter he would. However, back to Acts 1:15, after crucifixion and resurrection, Peter starts to take the lead, determining his past weaknesses as something to overcome.

With all that said, the 2nd part of my soul probing has derived from observing my surroundings and the profound yet almost inevitable questions that exist in my and my friend's lives. I often find myself meddling in the question and lacking the discipline to research or pray about the answer. Instead, I'm guilty of what Don Miller says is the I Dream of Jeannie approach. "I wonder how great it would be to have a Jeannie of my own, complete with the sexy outfit, who could blink a grilled-cheese sandwich out of thin air, all the while cleaning my room and doing my homework. I realize, of course, that is very silly and there is no such thing as a genie that lives in a lamp, but it makes me wonder if secretly we don't wish God were a genie who could deliver a few wishes here and there. It makes me wonder if what we really want is control, not a relationship." Which leads me to the fact that it is my duty to demonstrate a prayerful life. I am under orders to pray for my friends and especially my enemies. Now that I have found my eternal house in which to exist and walked through the door, I must "be kind to those who have chosen different doors and to those who are still in the hall." -cs lewis.

This information is particularly substantial to me due to a random course of events that occurred last night between midnight and 5 am. Minus the distressing details of events, I'll say that my heart's summary heaped a momentum to seek more godly guidance, a more steadfast prayer life, and a discipline in leadership growth...just in commonplace life. If we are faithful with the little things, He will trust us with much.

Redneck Activity

One more to add to the list:
I shot mistletoe out of a tree today with a 12 gauge.
I rest my case.

my temporary gratifying indulgence

music: Taking Back Sunday
book: Searching for God Knows What, Donald Miller
visual: the hot pink house across the street and the older black lady repeating, "Tweet tweet, little birdy, tweet tweet" as she chases to feed the fluttering feathered things in her yard.
discussion: Would Israel have been liberated early on if the Jews understood Jesus was not an earthly king? And, what does it take to convince your spouse she needs to participate in the reality show "Wife Swapping"?

Dad and I ready to fare the coming storm, sitting on our rain gear eating bananas.  

Wilderness.
Tang. Beef Jerkey.
Jesus. Taxes. 2nd Law of Thermodynamics.
Seemingly 140 lb backpacks.

TO FIT THE PART

As my girl Kate so eloquently phrased it, "I'm back in Bammy's arms," and no, that's not the creepy bald guy in the unmarked white van outside Books-A-Million yesterday who visually assaulted every part of me as he probably mumbled under his breath, "get her done" but who can say. Instead, I'm back in 'Bama tarring roofs, hauling trees, washing tree stumps, trimming trees, splitting logs, and dropping debris at the pit (which is mine and Amber's own RollerGirl experience, minus the lesbian part). But to add to the Mecca of redneck activities I ride in the back of the pick-up even though the passenger seat is begging for company. You'd think I'd stop talking about this, but even having lived in the dirty south for a few years now, all stereotypes are becoming a reality for me in just a week. I was even caught blowing snot out one nostril while holding the other one down. My brothers taught me how to do that years ago and somehow it seemed appropriate...TO FIT THE PART...don't get all grossed out.

Here are some trip pix I just got developed.

Da girls. Sher's birthday. Ab, Sher, Brooke, Me. 

That's not posed. She always wears her clothes in the water. Silly Brooke. 

Angel Island. Resting...before we realize we're about to miss our ferry a mile away. 

With no home, Ness came with us...forgetting the tiny hotel was a gazillion miles away, and having to walk or ferry everywhere, we had to lug her suitcase across the country on foot...and at the appropriate times, hide it behind offices or bathrooms in order to go hiking.  

Ha ha. Okay, this was taken the day after driving much of Hwy 1 and after having a beautiful night camping on the beach in northern CA. We found a fresh market and bought goat cheese, avacados, and meat...found a table they were selling which was chained to the ground, and drank our homemade wine from metal camping mugs while picknicking in their parking lot.  

Tiny hotel in SF: Left to Right (on floor, on bed, on floor) Vanessa, Amber, Caleb. Me...standing, it was the only place left with fresh air.  

After Vanessa realized she is not Chinese either, she also trecked to downtown SF. 

Nessa and I in San Fran. This is where the music camp, after only one performance, discovered I wasn't Chinese and made me leave.  

Getting caught sneeking below Archie's office window to surprise him. 1st: It wasn't his window. 2nd: He was standing behind me.  

Archie...the one. We hadn't seen him in 4yrs. Suspicious voice mail: "Meet me in the gazebo at 1am. Bring your wife. I'll be the one wearing a red flower."  

All I remember about this night in SC is a Jamaican band upstairs and the hurricane that was blowing off the beach into my seafood. No, seriously. 

I've been accused...

of having an addiction because I use the computer so often. I will not contest considering I sport a t-shirt that says, "I Love Nerds," and it's not the candy. It's just that this blog is an excellent way to keep up and entertain not only myself but my peeps across the country and now across the world. I love this thing. In any case, here's the latest: Against all will, I was gagged and dragged back to Abalama to make some quick hard tax exempt cash. As long as I can put up with the irritating, all-encompassing love bugs and withstand my forearms looking like they went through a wood chipper, I will continue helping in the disaster relief, hauling trees and raking hurricane infected pool furniture to the curb for pick-up. So alas, I'm in Mobile for 3 weeks. But here's the good part. I got a job in Colorado as a ski bum. Seriously, they pay people for this. I'll get to ski to work, watch people ski all day, then ski home. I guess I better learn how.

1st time skiing

While night skiing, after launching superwoman style off an icy hill that just 'happened' upon me, I hold a bag of snow to my fresh shiner.

Modest Mouse

I've got to remember to remember to forget that you forgot me.

Letters to Mom

As we bailed water out of our tent while burning up time during our near death experience in the storm of all insanity during our hike on the App.Trail, little bro and I wrote a sweet poem.
Disclaimer: We were under pressure of flapping tent sides and no Tang to sip. Our iamic pentameter might be off a bit. We wrote this with a pen we carved out of a soggy log under dim moon light.

Too much (whine)
but we shared it, wasn't all mine
complaining so thick like slime
can't stop on no dime
fighting bears and jumping streams
survival of the fittest, if you know what I mean
it's thorns and jungle steam
that keeps us in the suffering team
screaming thunder rings
through our ears
we hope to avoid our darkest fears
if it keeps raining this hard we'll be floating in God's tears
crackers and peanut butter can only last so long
I'm getting so home sick I'm writing letters to Mom
she's probably sewing and singing us a prayer song
where's the pizza? where's the beer?
wish I knew 'cause it sure ain't here
lead me down that path and make it clear
If we don't make it, just know I always wanted to be a rapper.

Should I?

Hmm, considering posting a poem I wrote last summer. Hmm, considering being vulnerable to my readers. Hmm, contemplating sharing a delicate thought with you. Hmm, instead going to tell you what it's like to live on a sunny, inviting lake while you're unemployed.

Job hunting in Austin didn't pan out. Granted, patience lacked. The lake beckoned. Work ethic did not. Inevitably, I met strangers on a boat on Lake Travis as I "happened" to be standing nearby the shore, geared up in a bikini and equipped with adrenaline. I was treated to a wakeboarding lesson resulting in my mastering of the get-up process on first try. Crossing the wake was another story. But that's okay. Mastering two techniques was my goal and I repeatedly grounded getting up and...face planting. Minus the water in my brain, launching spreadeagle through the air still attached to the boat even though I left my board 15ft back gives me quite a feeling of accomplishment. Who said I was uhnpraduckdiv?